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| Here's Tomorrow's Man...
What's up? Not too much here. Sunday was my birthday, I turned 22,
and you all suck because no one left me any birthday love it's alright
though. I had a good time with my family, Taylor and girlfriend. Not a
lot going on. School will be over in a few weeks until January that
will be a nice break, sorta. I will be studying like mad for my CCNA
(Cisco Certified Network Associate) certification test that I plan on
taking in January. So keep your fingers crossed for me or say a little
prayer whichever you prefer. Also, I enrolled in my last classes, I was
so excited when I saw at the top of my degree audit it now says "Degree
Status: Pending (Anticipated Completion)" AWESOME. 3 years of work and
I may actually get something out of it. Also if you are a hardcore geek
as I am you may find ThinkGeek.com to be a pretty cool site. Well that's about all I have to say. Until I'm Inspired Again...
Best of My Ability... | | |
| I Keep Your Photograph...
Today's a little disheartening ...I'm suppose to be getting married. I guess it's funny how life changes.
I Know It Serves Me Well... | | |
| Love Me Faster Than The Devil....
Hey, what's up? Not too much going on here. Getting ready to head to bed. The good news is my kidney stone is gone thanks to the lithotripsy. I'm just plugging away at school and life. I'm getting so worn down, I cant wait for school to be over. I am going to continue to go for my bachelor's (I dont know where yet) but not at this pace I've been keeping for my Associate's, it's killing me. I need time to enjoy life, and my son. Taylor turned 2 Saturday.I got him a basketball hoop. I cant believe that he's 2...it just...doesnt seem real. Our lives, have changed so much over the past few months and what not and it's just...I dont know how to explain it all. I miss him, I feel like I miss so much...so much more than I did, but this whole school thing is my means of trying to provide him a decent future. I love him more than anything, I'd never change anything that happened, he is the greatest thing that's ever happened to me. I could write for days and never truely convey all my feelings, but for now I must sleep. Until I'm Inspired Again...
Run Me Straight Into The Ground... | | |
| This Happens All The Time...
Well it been a rather....exciting....week I guess. Sunday I woke up
with this stabbing pain in my left side. Which I had had happen before
usually I would puke and feel fine, but I puked 4 times and still was
in growing pain, so I called my mom to come get me to take me to Good
Sam. Turned out I had a kidney stone in my left kindey. I probably had
it for quite sometime because according to the doctors it was a huge
(hence the prior spells of throwing up and pain). However, now it was
too big to pass on it's own. So they put me under a 23 hour observation
just to see if maybe I could pass it. .Mind you my mother has to have
some sort of female surgery the next monday. Well they decide on monday
they're going to have to do a procedure on me, they called it a surgery
but I dont count it because they didnt have to cut me. They did take me
in the OR and stick something up through there (yeah...painful..) and
push the stone back into the kidney and put a stint in there to hold it
open wider so it wouldnt block my kidney and shut it down. Now they
shoved it back in there so they could do lithotripsy
on it. So yesterday I went for the lithotripsy and HOPEFULLY that will
take care of it I'll know more next week when I go for the follow up
visit.
I got to spend a lot of time by myself in the hospital...a little too
much. I understood my mom and grandma were there sunday but monday my
mom had her surgery and my sister and travis came to see me for a while
and Misty did too but I still got a lot of time alone which was ok, I
mean I understood I know my family wanted to be there with me. It just
made me think a lot, I just HATE being alone it's really just my
weakness I guess. It's just such a hollow feeling, wishing someone was
there, and wanted to be there right by your side, and then coming here
by myself and to wake up to an empty apartment...ugh it's just so
depressing to me. I guess it's just a lot of missing Taylor still and
stuff, I didnt get to see him while I was in there either, and I dont
get to see him till Sunday because I dont think I'll feel up to
watching him by myself until then. I guess that's just what's so
uneasing now it's everything I do now is alone. I mean I have a
girlfriend, and she's there and she 'sgreat but she's not here all the
time, which I mean it just cant be like that right now she's there and
I'm here, but you know, that's just....not what i'm used to I guess. I
hate coming home by
myself, and I mean you have friends and I have great friends but it's
not the same as having that someone there all the time.
I dunno, I guess that's probably part of the reason I keep such a busy
schedule I dont think I could handle being here as much as I have been
while I've been sick, alone I just dont think I could take it. I guess
it's just the whole thing about wanting someone to want you, to need
you, I want someone to want to be there all the time to hate being away
from me like I do them, for them to make the effort and come see me
because they cant stand being away from me. My girlfriend is good about
that well at least about making me know that she hates being away from
me, an wants to be with me. Being here is a different story but it's
understandable. I dont know I guess I'm just trying to express all
that's been boiling up in me over the past few days. I dont know if it
makes too much sense but I feel a little better. Until I'm Inspired
Again..
I'll Be Fine. .
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Do You Believe The Way You Choose To Be...
What's up? Not a lot been going on here except the usual, work, school
and seeing Taylor as much as I can. I had him all weekend which was
cool. His mother moved him down by wilmington she moved in with some
guy she met on the internet. I hate it, I just want to be the best
father I can for Taylor and I cant with him all the way down there.
There's just not enough hours in the day, it's an hour and 1/2 from
here, right now it's hard enough for work and school to see him what I
do. It just makes it 10 times worse. I work and go to school for him,
everything I do is for him. I want him to have the best life possible
and I know the only way I can do that for him is to finish school and
get a decent job. I dont want to be one of those dad's who work all the
time either, I want my time with him. I want to be able to go to all of
his ball games when he gets older, and just be there for him. It's not
his fault that any of this happened, and I just dont want him to suffer
on either end. I dont want him to lose contact with his mom either or
anything he needs us both equally, the same. I just dont think the
whole thing is fair to him or I and our relationship. She's always done
what's in her best interest though so I guess I shouldnt be too
suprised. I cant begin to explain all the hurt I feel about the whole
thing. I tried to be fair, it's not a matter of controlling what she
does. Do I agree with her moving in with some guy she met from the
internet an hour and 1/2 from all of her family? No, but that's her
choice she'll figure it out, but that's my son. I want my time with
him, he deserves to have both of us there, regardless of our
differences. There's no benifit from this for Taylor at all. He gets to
lose my mom watching him and shoved in a daycare. I just want to
be there for my son,be his dad, and I still will. This just makes it
10x more difficult. It makes it harder to see him, I get less time
because i'll spend 3 damn hours of my time driving with him. It just
breaks my fucking heart. I'll always find a way to be there for him
though, I love him more than anything and there's not a thing in this
world that could stop me from being the best father I can for him.
If You Take Away These Memories All That's Left Is Me... | | |
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