mylifeonstandby's Xanga

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Wed, 09 Nov 2005 04:04:46 GMT

Here's Tomorrow's Man...

What's up? Not too much here. Sunday was my birthday, I turned 22, and you all suck because no one left me any birthday love it's alright though. I had a good time with my family, Taylor and girlfriend. Not a lot going on. School will be over in a few weeks until January that will be a nice break, sorta. I will be studying like mad for my CCNA (Cisco Certified Network Associate) certification test that I plan on taking in January. So keep your fingers crossed for me or say a little prayer whichever you prefer. Also, I enrolled in my last classes, I was so excited when I saw at the top of my degree audit it now says "Degree Status: Pending (Anticipated Completion)" AWESOME. 3 years of work and I may actually get something out of it. Also if you are a hardcore geek as I am you may find ThinkGeek.com to be a pretty cool site. Well that's about all I have to say. Until I'm Inspired Again...

Best of My Ability...

Saturday, October 22, 2005

Sat, 22 Oct 2005 15:39:29 GMT

I Keep Your Photograph...

Today's a little disheartening ...I'm suppose to be getting married. I guess it's funny how life changes.

I Know It Serves Me Well...

Thursday, October 20, 2005

Thu, 20 Oct 2005 02:19:45 GMT

Love Me Faster Than The Devil....

Hey, what's up? Not too much going on here. Getting ready to head to bed. The good news is my kidney stone is gone thanks to the lithotripsy. I'm just plugging away at school and life. I'm getting so worn down, I cant wait for school to be over. I am going to continue to go for my bachelor's (I dont know where yet) but not at this pace I've been keeping for my Associate's, it's killing me. I need time to enjoy life, and my son. Taylor turned 2 Saturday.I got him a basketball hoop. I cant believe that he's 2...it just...doesnt seem real. Our lives, have changed so much over the past few months and what not and it's just...I dont know how to explain it all. I miss him, I feel like I miss so much...so much more than I did, but this whole school thing is my means of trying to provide him a decent future. I love him more than anything, I'd never change anything that happened, he is the greatest thing that's ever happened to me. I could write for days and never truely convey all my feelings, but for now I must sleep. Until I'm Inspired Again...

Run Me Straight Into The Ground...

Saturday, August 27, 2005

Sat, 27 Aug 2005 02:28:49 GMT

This Happens All The Time...

Well it been a rather....exciting....week I guess. Sunday I woke up with this stabbing pain in my left side. Which I had had happen before usually I would puke and feel fine, but I puked 4 times and still was in growing pain, so I called my mom to come get me to take me to Good Sam. Turned out I had a kidney stone in my left kindey. I probably had it for quite sometime because according to the doctors it was a huge (hence the prior spells of throwing up and pain). However, now it was too big to pass on it's own. So they put me under a 23 hour observation just to see if maybe I could pass it. .Mind you my mother has to have some sort of female surgery the next monday. Well they decide on monday they're going to have to do a procedure on me, they called it a surgery but I dont count it because they didnt have to cut me. They did take me in the OR and stick something up through there (yeah...painful..) and push the stone back into the kidney and put a stint in there to hold it open wider so it wouldnt block my kidney and shut it down. Now they shoved it back in there so they could do lithotripsy on it. So yesterday I went for the lithotripsy and HOPEFULLY that will take care of it I'll know more next week when I go for the follow up visit.

I got to spend a lot of time by myself in the hospital...a little too much. I understood my mom and grandma were there sunday but monday my mom had her surgery and my sister and travis came to see me for a while and Misty did too but I still got a lot of time alone which was ok, I mean I understood I know my family wanted to be there with me. It just made me think a lot, I just HATE being alone it's really just my weakness I guess. It's just such a hollow feeling, wishing someone was there, and wanted to be there right by your side, and then coming here by myself and to wake up to an empty apartment...ugh it's just so depressing to me. I guess it's just a lot of missing Taylor still and stuff, I didnt get to see him while I was in there either, and I dont get to see him till Sunday because I dont think I'll feel up to watching him by myself until then. I guess that's just what's so uneasing now it's everything I do now is alone. I mean I have a girlfriend, and she's there and she 'sgreat but she's not here all the time, which I mean it just cant be like that right now she's there and I'm here, but you know, that's just....not what i'm used to I guess. I hate coming home by myself, and I mean you have friends and I have great friends but it's not the same as having that someone there all the time. I dunno, I guess that's probably part of the reason I keep such a busy schedule I dont think I could handle being here as much as I have been while I've been sick, alone I just dont think I could take it. I guess it's just the whole thing about wanting someone to want you, to need you, I want someone to want to be there all the time to hate being away from me like I do them, for them to make the effort and come see me because they cant stand being away from me. My girlfriend is good about that well at least about making me know that she hates being away from me, an wants to be with me. Being here is a different story but it's understandable. I dont know I guess I'm just trying to express all that's been boiling up in me over the past few days. I dont know if it makes too much sense but I feel a little better. Until I'm Inspired Again..

I'll Be Fine. .

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Tue, 16 Aug 2005 03:04:03 GMT

Do You Believe The Way You Choose To Be...

What's up? Not a lot been going on here except the usual, work, school and seeing Taylor as much as I can. I had him all weekend which was cool. His mother moved him down by wilmington she moved in with some guy she met on the internet. I hate it, I just want to be the best father I can for Taylor and I cant with him all the way down there. There's just not enough hours in the day, it's an hour and 1/2 from here, right now it's hard enough for work and school to see him what I do. It just makes it 10 times worse. I work and go to school for him, everything I do is for him. I want him to have the best life possible and I know the only way I can do that for him is to finish school and get a decent job. I dont want to be one of those dad's who work all the time either, I want my time with him. I want to be able to go to all of his ball games when he gets older, and just be there for him. It's not his fault that any of this happened, and I just dont want him to suffer on either end. I dont want him to lose contact with his mom either or anything he needs us both equally, the same. I just dont think the whole thing is fair to him or I and our relationship. She's always done what's in her best interest though so I guess I shouldnt be too suprised. I cant begin to explain all the hurt I feel about the whole thing. I tried to be fair, it's not a matter of controlling what she does. Do I agree with her moving in with some guy she met from the internet an hour and 1/2 from all of her family? No, but that's her choice she'll figure it out, but that's my son. I want my time with him, he deserves to have both of us there, regardless of our differences. There's no benifit from this for Taylor at all. He gets to lose my mom watching him and shoved in a daycare. I just want to be there for my son,be his dad, and I still will. This just makes it 10x more difficult. It makes it harder to see him, I get less time because i'll spend 3 damn hours of my time driving with him. It just breaks my fucking heart. I'll always find a way to be there for him though, I love him more than anything and there's not a thing in this world that could stop me from being the best father I can for him.

If You Take Away These Memories All That's Left Is Me...

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

Tue, 19 Jul 2005 18:44:29 GMT

Come On And Cut Me Down, You've Gone As Far As I'll Go...

I wish I was as cold hearted self centered, unthinking, uncaring, and naive as some people in this world. They make life look so easy when they don’t care about anyone but themselves.

Now You're Crossing The Line, And I Am Letting You Know...

Sunday, June 12, 2005

Sun, 12 Jun 2005 03:13:49 GMT

I Just Need This To Be Alright, I Cant Take This, I'll Come Unglued...

What up? Nada, here. I dont know if anyone even reads this or not but that's alright. Just been stressed lately, with life in general. Thermostat went out on my van the other day my, dad, Brian and I just got that fixed today. I'm just frustrated with life in general, I cant sum it up to all one thing, things are just frustrating everywhere. I miss my son, I have no money, I bust my ass working full time and going to school full time and just feel like I have nothing to show for it. When I had my family, it made it all worth while, now ....it just feels empty, I dont know how else to explain it. I still have Taylor, and I will always carry on for him. Life just feels so fucking heavy sometimes I feel like my face is being drug across the ground. Well I think I'm going to bed. Until I'm Inspired Again....

Cant See Through This, Too Much Pressure, Drowning In This....

Monday, May 23, 2005

Mon, 23 May 2005 02:01:56 GMT

Here We Are...

What's up? Not a whole lot here was working on some cisco homework. I was talking with a friend last night about just...how I am...she seems to be the same way. I'm just one of those people who live for other people....and I dont know why, I guess it's just the way I'm built. I think that's why I have such a hard time w/ relationships and what not. I tend to build my entire world up around this one person, and when they leave, my entire world falls apart and I get to try and pick up the pieces. I dont know that it will ever change. I know that with Taylor, with him I have someone to build my life around who will never leave, who's always there he's my son. It's different now, the loss is still felt and still weights heavy on my heart, but it's not as bad, because I know I have him. Had I not had him, I may have found myself back in a similiar situation as a few years ago. I guess I'm just reflecting and thinking as I tend to do, so if this doesnt make much sense oh well I guess right? Until I'm inspired again...

Everything We Are Is All I am...

Friday, May 20, 2005

Fri, 20 May 2005 03:35:19 GMT

What up guys? Not a lot going on here just sitting here listening to some Silverchair.So yeah....I started writing this and then wandered away. So I'll write later.

Tuesday, May 17, 2005

Tue, 17 May 2005 16:52:43 GMT

Hey Hey. What's going on? Not much here really. Got a meeting after work thats about it, I get taylor tonight. Just thought I'd update not much to say.